


(but) you and I are enough

by nikatsu



Series: Polar Opposites Attract (A Changmin x YoonA collection) [1]
Category: Dong Bang Shin Ki, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-11
Updated: 2012-08-11
Packaged: 2017-11-11 21:45:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/483224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikatsu/pseuds/nikatsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What do you want me to say?” (“That I’m enough for you.”) “What do you want me to do?” (“Show me that you’ll love me regardless.”)</p>
            </blockquote>





	(but) you and I are enough

 

> _“I’m not good enough.”  
>  “Why do you say that? Of course you are.”  
>  “… If I were, I wouldn’t be feeling this way.” _ With you.  
>  (But that doesn’t matter.)

 

 *****  
Yoona thinks about breaking up with Changmin. She thinks about it when Victoria tells her she still has feelings for him even though she knows they’re together and that she loves him mind, body and soul. Yoona thinks about it the whole night she sleeps in her car after driving around the city to blow off steam. She thinks about it when she comes back and slaps Victoria soundly on the cheek, crying her heart out while the older woman stared sadly. She thinks about it when she points out that Changmin has been on her dresser, her mirror, her desk, her wallet, her phone, her mind, her heart for years (and years and years; even before and when there was Changmin-and-Victoria or Changmin-and-Sooyoung or Changmin-BoA)—

She thinks about breaking up with Changmin because _maybe_ he should be with Victoria (or Sooyoung or BoA) instead of her.

_Maybe._

 

 *****  
She watches Junsu and Taeyeon get married and she cries during the ceremony but it’s not for a good reason at all. The tears are there because she's jealous. So jealous because she’s sure they could make it. Her and Changmin. They could. They could have what Junsu and Taeyeon have, if only they held on tigheter. And so for a moment, she decides that breaking up with Changmin is isn’t what she wants to do. That it’s not a good idea, because she loves him too much to let him go and she’s willing to tough it out for even longer.

But then they dance, and he tells her he kissed Victoria. _Again._ And Yoona thinks that breaking up with Changmin is the epiphany she’d been waiting to have since the very beginning of their relationship.

Because it's all the same.  He’ll keep her heart in his pocket until his perfect girl comes around again and then it’ll be over. _It’s all the same._

_“I’m never going to be number one, aren’t I?”  
“You are—it was a mistake. It didn’t mean anyth—”  
“A kiss always means something.”_

 

 *****  
Yoona cries ugly tears in the back room. She breaks down and thrashes around while he stands motionless behind. She tells him she's not mad, _and it's true._ She's not mad, she's crushed. Because that boy that claims to love her _that_ much, doesn't seem to know her at all. The last time they broke up she was mad. Because it was _his_ fault – he had cheated on her with her friend. But now she's just mad at herself. Because _this time_ , she thinks, it's all _her_ fault. That maybe she pushed him towards Victoria for being too busy, too needy, too _Yoona_.

But it's only a _maybe._

A girl can't live with so many ‘maybes’ in her life, and she’s already had enough to last her until – well, ever. She can't live wondering if every night when Changmin says he has to work over time, he may be cheating on her or that every time she doesn't see Victoria at practice she might be with him. She wants the _facts_. She wants Changmin to show her (and the world) how much he loves her. She wants Victoria to stay the hell away from her boyfriend.

She wants to tell him, to show him that they can be so much more – that maybe they could be what Junsu and Taeyeon are now: together, bound for life and happy. _In love._

 

 *****  
So she goes to his house. And when she opens the door she sees Victoria.

And that's a _fact._

Victoria leaves when she sees her waiting by the door and ducks her head (she says ‘sorry’ under her breath and it drives the knife in her chest a little deeper). But Yoona knows she's going to come back. It's a fact neither of them (all three of them) can deny. So she breaks up with Changmin. And somehow she can almost hear the cracks of her heart breaking when she does. He looks at her with those eyes when she finishes her pieces, begging her not to leave—

But he doesn't _say_ it, and it infuriates ( _kills_ )her because he might never will.

She decides right then that she doesn't want just showing anymore; she wants words spoken out loud and ringing in her ears – words spoken in front of her and Victoria and anyone else who would care to listen. Three words, eight letters.

He says ‘sorry’ and it hurts more than the “Let’s break up” she’d just told him because it feels like he might actually think it’s for the best too.

He says ‘ _sorry_ ’. And that’s all he says until the door clicked shut behind her. **** __

> _“I’m not good enough.”  
> _ (No one answers.) __

 

 *****  
Changmin calls everyday after the wedding.

He calls her over at Jessica’s and stuns her with his voice ringing through the silence in her room. She doesn't pick up; Yoona doesn't pick up, so the answering machine answers for her. He leaves a message everyday.

 

*****   
_“Baby, I’m sorry… Yoona… please, just let me explain.”_

On Monday he apologizes. He begs. She swears to herself thinking that she heard him sob at one point, but then he hangs up before she could reach out and pick up.

 

*****   
_“I read something from a man named Lawrence Block… ’Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for.’ It made me think of that the movie you made me watch…”_

On Tuesday he starts quoting authors Yoona pretends not to know. He says he needs her back. That she's his ‘fate’ – his ‘fortunate accident’ but she knows he got that from _Serendipity_ and she giggles to herself because she thought he was asleep while they were watching it last time.

_“I miss you, Baby. Please, just talk to me.”_

But then he hangs up, and the tears come back flowing harder than ever. (They always come _back._ )

 

 *****  
Yoona decides that night that she’s already forgiven him and Victoria even before the break up.

(But she hasn’t forgiven herself. It’s her fault, _it’s her fault_.)

 

 *****  
 _“Is this how it ends? After years of struggling to keep things between us –_ this _is how you want us to end?!”_

On Wednesday he says he's mad, he rambles for almost an hour about that this is the last time he calls her. He yells, cursing in three languages because he can and he knows she can understand him anyway. By the end he yells that he loves her and that he needs her back or that he's going to die.

_“You know what. Just fuck this. If you don’t love me, then that’s fine! I love you, Yoona but I don’t deserve this.”_

He hangs up right after as if the pain is too much, as if he didn’t deserve to hurt so much because of her.

 

*****   
_“Yoona.”_

On Thursday he cries, he tells her they can make it work, that he won't see Victoria anymore if that's what it takes. That he'll let her all the way in. He begs her, and she doesn't answer. But he knows that she listen to the messages. Changmin knows it every time he looks into her eyes when he's walking down the hallways because he can still see right down at her soul like always; because they love each other still no matter how many times they fight and break up. And he thinks that he should tell her that because it’s true.

_“I love you, Yoona.”_

*****  
On Friday at noon Jessica freaks out on her. She tells her to answer the damned phone or she's getting rid of the machine. Yoona just nods. On Friday, the phone rings. It rings once and she knows it's him. She doubts. She spots Jessica standing there bitch-glaring at her while she disposes of the cucumber sandwiches she’d made for herself in front of the TV. Yoona picks up before the second ring starts and Changmin laughs when he hears her breathe ‘Hello’. He starts talking about their history, _their love_. Tears run down her cheeks but she doesn't say anything.

(Jessica says nothing minutes later and leaves her alone, patting her head with a smile when her eyes close and she imagines him speaking beside her.)

_“We might have to stay in Japan for awhile again. I’m going to miss you the most… that’s not a lie, baby, even though you might think so.”_

Since that day she starts picking up. And he tells her about his life and how much he loves her. Hoping she might answer.

(She doesn’t. She just listens and listens and listens. Three words and a name resonating in her mind at every end of a sentence. _I love you, Changmin. I love you, Changmin. I love you, Changmin…_ )

 

> _“What do you want me to say?”  
> _ (“That I’m enough for you.”)  
>  _“What do you want me to do?”  
> _ (“Show me that you’ll love me regardless.”)  
>  _“Yoona?”_

*****  
After some weeks he stops calling. And she realizes how much she misses his voice (his touch, his kiss). But he’s off somewhere again, working or something important _._ She watches him on TV, laughing and smiling and flirting with some beautiful Japanese actress and she wonders why love has to hurt so fucking much.

The next week he comes back, Changmin walks by her and she smiles. But it's not her _real_ smile. It's a sad smile, one she’s been wearing more often since he’d been gone and the phone stopped ringing. He notices from the other side of the room but doesn’t say anything; he just smiles back and gives her space, his eyes aligned straight despite the grin.

Yoona likes to think he watches her on TV too and hurts the same way she does. But that’s just her, and when Hyoyeon pulls her arm – she tells herself that she loves him regardless even if he doesn’t miss her anymore.  
 __

> _“I love you too, Changmin… but you already know that, right?”  
> _ (Her hand trembles as she speaks to his answering machine.) _  
> “But I’m not good enough… for you. And I’m afraid that I won’t ever be.”  
> _

 

 *****  
Months go by and her idol days end. It’s time for bigger and better things… it’s time for her to grow up and make a name for herself without eight others.

Im Yoona stands by the window watching her friends and colleagues play around under the moonlight, enjoying their freedom for a few hours more before reality comes back in the dawn. _“Only better things will come, Little Yoona. I know it because you have what it takes,”_ the president (her would-be father in SM) tells her just before she strays away alone and grins wide. He pats her head like her father would, but it doesn’t do much on calming her nerves and so she watches from the sidelines.

She doesn't hurt as much about Changmin anymore. She doesn't. She doesn't wonder anymore if he's with _her_ (the pronoun is ambiguous because she doesn’t know, she doesn’t want to know) or if he's alone and thinking of her. She likes to think that she’s grown up from that stage, and that the distance doesn’t hurt anymore. _Breaking up was a good idea after all_ , she tells herself and smiles when her sisters (all eight of them) wave from the ground floor and sends her hearts.

She’ll miss them and she’ll be alone from now on. But it’s alright; the nine of them are family anyway and families don’t leave anyone behind.

 

 *****  
(Victoria gives her a hug after the opening ceremonies are made and the drinks are poured. Her bright eyes are filled with tears and when Yoona hugs back fiercely, she buckled over and cried openly in happiness.

She speaks to her in a slur of Korean and Chinese, crying and smiling and laughing all at the same time, “I missed you so much, Yoong-ah. I’m sorry for Chang—I’m sorry for everything.”

“Don’t be, Qian-unni.” Tears come to her eyes too, but she’s better at keeping them in more than anyone and smiles. She fills her into another hug and kisses her cheek. “I missed you too. I’m sorry.”)

 

 *****  
Yoona barely hears the door open and so when a person stood next to her by the window; it surprises her to not feel like jumping out of her skin. She turns her head up and finds Changmin hovering over her and with just one look he sees down into her soul. He _still_ knows how she feels, and it annoys her so much she forgets that this would be the first time he’d gotten close to her since that night at his house.

He pulls out a piece of paper, folded neatly into a square. He makes her read it, and tears come to her eyes while she does out loud:

‘ _TVXQ’s Changmin shocks fans at the duo’s last album launch, announcing his relationship with the now disbanded SNSD member, Im Yoona._

_Changmin begins his announcement with a smile, “I’ve been planning to ask someone to marry me for a few months now, but things have been very difficult for us. There has been a lot of pain and tears since we’ve been together in secret, but I know in my heart that she’s worth every risk I’m about to take. People always say that there is that one person for you, and to me… she is the one.”_

_The singer was quiet for a moment before speaking louder for all to hear, “I am in love with Im Yoona. She might not think so, but she is enough for me. I want to spend the rest of my life with her… and I hope you wish us luck for the future.”_ ’

Changmin smiles when her hands begin to shake and takes them in between his. He says something in her ear, and she laughs despite her hiccups and tears.

She smiles when he lowered his soft lips onto hers, and it’s a _real_ smile.

For the first time in months, she is truly happy. __

> _“You and I—we are enough.”  
> _ (And that’s all that matters.)

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to katdiva ♥


End file.
